Freaky-weird flash fiction contest

July 31, 2008

Weird Tales: The Original Magazine of Unique, Fantastic & Bizarre is having a contest that sounds rather fun for all you flash fictionalists (you out there Julie Ann?). Write a short-short story of 500 words or less inspired by something in your spam box. Oddly enough, there’s no submission fee. Here’s the details:

Write a flash-fiction story — under 500 words — based on a spam you’ve received. Send your story, along with the headline that inspired it, to contest@weirdtales.net before 9 a.m. on Monday, Aug. 4. The Weird Tales editorial team will judge them, and three winners will be announced at the Weird Tales reception on Friday, Aug. 8 at the World Science Fiction Convention in Denver!

The first-, second-, and third-place winners will all be published online at WeirdTalesMagazine.com the week of August 11. The first- and second-place winners will also receive three free issues of Weird Tales; and the first-place winner will also receive an autographed copy of Ekaterina Sedia’s incredible new novel The Alchemy of Stone.

(UPDATE! If you’ve thrown away all your own spam, writer Adam Israel has compiled a humongous collection of spam headlines here. Be forewarned that adult language abounds therein.)

Good luck!




  1. I love the contest idea. I’ll be looking for weird things in my spam post. A while back I wrote a whacked out essay on what my email thinks, that got published by a couple of places. Just for fun I’ll post it here.

    My email knows so many things about me. It sees right through me, understanding my deepest needs.

    It knows I have a penis, which needs to be enlarged and energized. It knows I need prescriptions meds, Viagra of course. I can’t cavort with the ladies if I don’t have an erect elk, one letter sternly tells me. And about those aches and pains from too much sex why there are anti-flammatory pills, the best prices in town. And my gas is nothing to be embarrassed over, of course my friend it says, we know it’s caused from entertaining and cavorting with the ladies, but that’s ok my friend, you can now get a year supply of anti-gas medicine, say goodbye to embarrassing farts.

    With a limp penis, aches and pains, and gas it knows my social life is in trouble. But no worries, my friend it says, meet Russian beauties, singles in my area, naughty girls who can’t believe I’m still single.

    It knows my bust is small. Why any man with a small penis naturally has this problem. I’m promised to increase one whole breast size in two months. Now with my penis and breasts growing at the same time it knows the collision is going to happen at the midsection. Now I can get rid of all those unwanted pounds, shrinking three whole clothing sizes in six months. And with my reduced stomach of course I need the gymanizer, the home gym.

    It tells me don’t be embarrassed by your small breasts, with our cream you’re guaranteed to grow larger breasts in just 90 days. Now how about meeting the singles in town… Joanna with chestnut eyes is dying to meet me, and Michelle a vixen from Cleveland has just moved in the area and hates being alone at night, she wants a bed warmer and knows with my larger penis and larger breasts and gas and aches and pains I’m just the man for her.

    It knows my computer’s to blame, telling me I got viruses. To make matters worse, it says the thing is lazy, that I should put it to work, how I can make $3200 and say goodbye forever to lazy computer syndrome.

    And lastly, it knows without a doubt that I’m stupid, promising me all sorts of degrees. Why I can learn a whole new trade becoming a computer programmer, a medical transcriber, or getting my masters in business, without ever leaving my computer.

    While it wishes that I’m male, a female, perhaps even a hermaphrodite it is oh so very wrong. Why you see I’m female, well endowed, not needing of monster breasts, or a larger penis.

  2. *LOL*, Julie. That was great!

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